The Volleyball Theory.

Don't you hate it when someone you like is with someone? Or if one of your best friends likes them too? I, also have similar feelings towards this particular situation (long, fancy way of saying "I do too"). This is the worst feeling, when you are head over heels for someone and you find out that they're dating someone (and if you're anything like me.. your first instinct is "how can I kill her and make it look like an accident")? It makes everything 1000000 times worse (a small exaggeration) when "the other girl" is prettier, funnier, sportier and more popular than you. This is when I wish that the volleyball theory came in. The volleyball theory (for those who have been living under a rock) is that if you "liked" a guy, you could yell "MINE" and all of the other b**hes would BACK OFF. This would make crushes SO much easier. For example, let's say you like this guy, you (somehow theoretically) yell MINE and everyone else backs off, then if "he" (somehow theoretically) yells MINE on you, you know he likes you. Therefore taking all of the "Does he like me?" stuff out of the way... PERFECT SOCIETY!!! 

Haters gonna hate :)

I have recently been told that some people think I'm saying too much about myself on this blog... But that's what it's for to complain about my life with.. So you know who you are.. I really couldn't give less than a donkeys behind about what you think, I'm gonna keep doing this how I'm doing it and if u don't like it, well then stop reading!! Hahaha

Guys are the ones with the balls?? HA!

Ok before I start lets establish one thing: I am PERFECTLY ok with being single, but sometimes if I guy HAPPENED (It's possible… If he maybe got hit in the head by an asteroid or something) to like me I would really appreciate if he would "strap on a pair" and just ask me out already!! This brings me to the title. I know guys are VERY proud of their well we will call them their "cucumbers" for the purpose of my mum reads these things… (But its true I swear that's all they talk about…) They like compare them with each other's or something and they think that that’s all that we (girls) want them for. (I mean we aren't all SUPER SLUTS are we?) Have you ever tried talking to a guy/boyfriend and somehow you get on the topic of his "cucumber" every 5 freaking seconds?? It's nearly impossible to have serious conversations with them. Getting a slight bit off topic here, back to the fact that although guys are very proud of their balls and cucumber but they never seem to use them. It is quite ridiculous actually, They are supposed to be "manly" and all. But just for one guy to ask out a girl (who, might I add he knows she will say yes so there's no rational reason for him to be nervous) he apparently needs all of his friends to come with him and make like a little circle around him (like the girl is toxic or something… I guess the whole idea of "cooties" never really went away), he needs to be "psyched up" like hes going to wrestle in WWE or something and most importantly he needs to make sure he looks absolutely beautiful (yes, I said beautiful)  just so he can stammer "Will you go out with me?" It's quite pathetic to watch actually.

This brings me to my  main slightly strange point, That I think girls have more "lady balls" than guys do. I mean, in one sleepover girls take more risks with guys (dared to call/Facebook message/text your crush) than guys take with girls in a YEAR!!! Girls also have to carry the babies (for 9 MONTHS) and have to bleed every month in some sort of cruel "punishment" for NOT being pregnant…  (getting some mixed messages here… mums and health class say "NO PREGNANCY" but body says: "I'M GONNA PUNISH YOU FOR NOT BEING PREGNANT! HA!" it’s a vicious cycle there's no winning here…) but that’s a whole other topic.

Back (sort of) on topic, I'm not saying that all guys don’t have any balls some do but they are a dying species. So if any of you have a son or a brother out there that is ball-less, please for the good of the world help him find some!!! -Sincerely, ALL GIRLS/WOMEN EVERYWHERE!!!

CATS VS. BOYFRIENDS

 **To Meghan and Ashee, the perfect example.**

Cats are the perfect lovers. They put up with your problems, they "take the love", and they will always love you unconditionally (as long as you feed them). Boyfriends (the most useless contraptions ever thought up) however, you give THEM food and the most satisfaction you get is a hearty "UGH".

Cats are CLEARLY the better options here. Sure, boyfriends can kiss you and hug you and then SAY they love you but that is their biggest flaw, the fact that they can talk. Cats cannot speak so they can (by extent) not directly lie to you (as in they may have half-killed a bird and put in your bed to see how you freak out when it flies out at your face, but they cannot tell you that they didn't so they are not really lying to you).

Cats, the SUPERIOR choice to boyfriends are inherently cuddly (they can't help it), sure boyfriends can cuddle too (but if they're not trying to get in to your pants at that point and time) will COMPLAIN if they don't like the movie you've chosen (almost all "chick flicks"). 

Cats will complain in their heads but again, they cannot tell you so they either just leave or because they love you they will suffer through it (meowing just doesn't get them anywhere anymore).

True, cats can be complete b**hes at times but they won't cheat on you because you pointed out ONE of their flaws to get back at you (when in the end all cheating does for guys is that they screw up the relationship and we break up with them and then they hate us eternally). Cats also won't try to kill themselves in front of you (backhanded reference to JOE).

Cats have to love you, they have no choice but to. So this means (because we are bigger than them) that we can kiss, hug, snuggle and make baby voices at them all we want and they CAN'T DO NOTHIN' 'BOUT IT!!!

By FAR the biggest flaw in the design of the boyfriend is the whole I'm-breaking-up-with-you-because-you-bore-me-now thing. Some USELESS phrases "the boyfriend" uses to get rid of you are: "It's not you, it's me" or "I think we need to take a break, you know so we can find ourselves again"  (you lost yourself? wow. we got a scholar right here everyone!) or the best one, "You're too good for me" (darn right I am)! Cats cannot break up with you (no matter how much they might want to).

Cats do not have unreasonable, unattainable life goals that they constantly lecture you on and all you can think is "STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING, STOP TALKING"! Cats may have unreasonable, unattainable life goals but we do not hear of them so it makes it perfectly ok (anyway, the biggest goal a cat will have in its life is "I want to sleep for a WHOLE DAY").

Overall, Cats are the SUPERIOR choice to boyfriends, (Just ask any cat, they will agree).

Talentodes Day

As you know, I am not particularly fond of valentine's day (Or as my mum's phone insists: Talentodes day). And BY FAR this was my worst valentine's day to date! I started out this joyous day with my alarm waking me up 2 HOURS early, and I could then not fall back asleep for the life of me. So I straightened my lion's mane that I call hair (RAWR!) and sat downstairs watching TV (Riveting I know). I then realized that my father was not up yet, it was also 7:30... (We were supposed to leave at 7:00) **IMPORTANT NOTICE- My parents are divorced, my dad lives in Burlington, ON and my mum lives in Ancaster, ON** So I then had to go wake my dad up by yelling at him through the door and then we were finally on our way (by this time it was about 7:45). I then got a muffin at Tim Horton's that (of course) did not have any icing in it. And by the way my day was going I was already dreading going to school. When I finally got to school (with minutes to spare) I *OF COURSE* remembered that I had a butt load of homework. So I shoved my backpack and coat into had into my locker so that I could tell my teachers that I forgot my backpack at my dad's house so that I wouldn't get into trouble (INSERT APPLAUSE HERE).

Fast-forward to lunchtime...

So lunchtime, Hmmm.. What happened at lunch? Oh yeah! MAKEOUT-PALOOZA! One of the joys of being in high school on valentine's day is that every couple in the school is practically having sex in the hallways... Oh Great Joy of all Joys! (as if I didn't feel lonely enough already-- Thank You High school!)

Fast-forward through Makeout-Palooza to almost the end of lunchtime...

This, is when my friend had a complete mental breakdown over Doritos. My friend Zara, is OBSESSED with Doritos. They are her Holy Grail. My school is trying to be healthy (just an excuse to feed us different coloured pieces of cardboard) because of this we never have real Doritos (we usually have orange pieces of cardboard cut into triangles). But today we did and Zara went completely cuckoo for coco puffs (or shall I say Doritos) she was like a rabid squirrel (a very very happy rabid squirrel) that just drank a red bull.

Fast-forward through the two other mind-numbingly boring periods of the day with Joe staring into my soul... (Still working on that post, So Much to say!)

And we get to the best part of my Talentodes Day. A SLEEPOVER with my 2 little cousins!!! (they are 9 and 7) and my mum brought home some leftover cupcakes and cookies from her work chocked full of sugar (you can see where this is going) And of course they ate all of them. So then, (with 2 children that were on sugar highs) we prepared for bedtime.  Once they passed out, I fell asleep (after writing this of course) because: 1. I am not a "night owl" 2. I had been up really quite early and  3. I was in a bit of a hurry to get this god-awful day over with.

Valentine's Day and why it SUCKS!

Valentine's Day and why it SUCKS!

Valentines Day. Single girls and women cringe at the thought of it. A whole day devoted to "love" (it doesn't exist just so you know.. sorry to crush your dreams). People will say to keep themselves from bursting into tears on this god- awful day that "it's a day to be with the people you love" (who REALLY wants to spend valentine's day with your parents or your brother or your cousin..? And if they have a "significant other" you're stuck third wheeling it!! (AGAIN) People (mothers) will tell us about valentine's day that "It's a celebration of love" or "I'm ok being single I'm a strong, confident, independent woman. I don't need a man" (that last one was the best one). These sayings or mantras are  just sad little glimpses of hope for single women to feel good about being single AGAIN for valentine's day (that's me). No matter what we say we all want someone to be with on valentine's day (No matter how much we hate it and we wish we could just be happy being single). Valentine's day is also just an excuse for all us lonely girls to get some ice cream, our friends, some tissues and a romantic movie that we can all wish that was our life while laughing at the pure cheesiness of it all... Valentine's day can suck for "taken" people too (I know we all thought it was impossible) but it's true! When your with someone you feel obligated t give them some sort of gift. (whether it be flowers, chocolates or something more well.. *intimate* hehe) they may feel obligated or stressed to find the "perfect" gift for their significant other (which is virtually IMPOSSIBLE by the way, just get them a gift card and be done with it.) 

My January.

A  hopefully funny recount of my absolutely horrid January...

It all started out like any other January. Watching my dad get drunk and acting like a giant four year old girl who wants to be a disco dancing queen (cue music). Anyway at this drunken dance party I got stuck taking care of the children (Eesh!). They were ungrateful, sticky and babbling like babies (Oh, you thought I was talking about the children weren't you? No. I was talking about the "adults"). Skip forward about two weeks to the cream of the crop, the cherry on top of it all, the worst day of my life. January 9 2014, this was the day that my now ex boyfriend (more on HIM later) tried to kill himself. I know you're thinking "that's a little depressing.. why is she telling us this?" well I think that you will actually find my recount of it quite hilarious actually.  So it all started out with "HIM" lets name him Joe for now... ok, so when I woke up I expected a cute, sweet "good morning" text but NOO Joe decided that id like a nice LONG (and I mean LONG) text message about how his life was horrible and he was depressed and that he had nothing (at this point I'm thinking "what am I? the loch ness monster??"). So after reading Joe's extremely depressing ESSAY that he sent me  (therefore absolutely ruining my morning) and went off to the HE -double hockey sticks hole that I call my high school. fast forward through two periods of boredom (it might help for you to know that I sent Joe to my house and told him that I would "check up" on his whiny ass at lunch because apparently school was too much for him).  So I braved the cold and walked back to my house (I live quite close to my school) and instead of my boyfriend I found a whimpering baby on my couch (it was pathetic) and this thing is getting quite long so ill wrap it up.. all in all he tried to kill himself (with one of my PINK *manly choice right?* childhood belts around his neck) I called the police (much to Joe's distaste might I add), the police took him to the hospital and then the lectures  began... 

Hello Internet

Hello. This will hopefully be a funny blog where I will post weekly complaints/ stories about my life.  As for the title of the blog,  it might help for you to know that I am a redhead (that explains the "Red" part..) and as for the 98 I was born in 1998. Ok, so I have now explained the title I have one last thing you might want to know about me. I am absolutely positively horrid at trying to use really anything you have to charge or has a battery (all electronics) so if there are little glitches and stuff in this that's why. Ok. Now to figure out how to post this thing :)